Desert Island Part II

Cue adventurous theme music!

Back by popular demand, according to statistics that don't exist, it's time again for DESERT ISLAND! Today's candidates are just as great as ever and well thought out. I spent almost 15 minutes on the font alone.

First up is "Personally Offended Because You Haven't Seen or Heard It Guy." We have all run into somebody like this. I enjoy movie and TV references as much as the next person, but when you make a reference I don't understand there's no reason to bring in tears and elevated blood pressure. They say, "You haven't seen Hootie And The Blowfish Tour Italy?" No, no I haven't. And won't. Once you tell them you haven't seen said box office smash, anger arises and they repeat the question with much more frustration. "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH TOUR ITALY?!" Obviously we have different tastes in movies. I like comedy, action, and manly movies. You like movies only seen by proud parents of the band members. For your misplaced anger and personal attachment to terrible movies, music and TV you will have first pick of in-flight movie on your way to my.... DESERT ISLAND!

Outcast number two in this week's entry is somebody I hope I never run into again. Let's discuss, "Back in High School We Were Good Friends Guy." Also known as a "Tag-along" or "Party Crasher." From time to time we run into people we'd gone to school with. People we vaguely remember, who somehow have this amazing memory of the times we shared together while passing in the halls, being urinal neighbors and parking in the same parking lot. I'm sorry, but I don't really know you. Actually I'm not sorry. I am pretty sure if you asked me to spell your name I couldn't do it. I don't mean to offend or be rude, but my stories and legend will not be tainted by your false recollection. This person knows all your stories and manages to retell them to people while casually creating a non-existent role for themselves in that story. Be sure to enjoy your middle seat where you can retell all those stories that don't involve you to your neighbors on the flight to, according to you, OUR DESERT ISLAND!

Too Healthy

I feel like I’m a relatively healthy person. I’m on no medications, rarely see the doctor and have had no major medical procedures done. I don’t wear glasses, I’ve never broken anything and can handle a rough workout. The most risky medical experience I’ve had really is having an ingrown toenail removed. That’s it. A lot of people I know aren’t so lucky.

My life has been uneventful medically. Until I was 19, the craziest thing that ever happened to me medically was have an ingrown toenail removed. Twice. I know what you’re thinking. Yes I have lived and my bucket list is nearly completed. Ingrown toenail removed twice. When people hear that they think I have a mutant toe. In reality my toe is only semi-mutant.

Every now and then I just wish something crazy or weird would happen to me. Like some weird disease you would hope to see on House. Something that takes about 40 minutes of wrong guesses only to discover I had a q-tip that landed on the floor of the Johnson and Johnson warehouse and was defecated on by a rat stuck in my ear. Oh I can see the spotlight shining on me now.

Lord Of The Unemployment

It's been 5 days since I had a job. During these few days I spent plenty of time in my car driving around looking for employment. A strange mood came about me while in my car. I was compelled, NAY, DESTINED to listened to the soundtrack to Michael Flatley's Lord Of The Dance. Why it's on my iPod I will never tell. For about 2 hours I drove around jamming, whistling and enjoying my unemployment. I've never felt so alive. Except when enjoying the Anastasia soundtrack from the cartoon Anastasia.

Most people get down on themselves in times like these. Losing a job can be very difficult on a person. I recommend everybody have an embarrassing selection of music on their iPod, or Zune if you make poor life choices, for occasions such as these. I know Lord of the Dance perked me right up on a sad day and I can only hope something similar can do the same for some of you.

Some other examples of embarrassing music can include anything by Hootie and the Blowfish, anything from the 80's, Sci-Fi movie soundtracks, Harry Potter soundtracks, music involving 4 or more men singing at the same time, etc.

Einstein Loved Bagels, Manners and Facebook

I was raised to exude good manners. I was taught to open doors for people, say please and thank you, listen intently, let my dates in and out of the car, refrain from talking about recent bowl movements, etc. I know some people really appreciate it and I had an experience where I got to see it firsthand.

I was at Einstein Brothers getting a few delicious cinnamon-sugar bagels with honey butter and cinnamon-sugar bagel poppers last Friday. On my way in, a middle-aged woman was right behind me. Without thinking about it, I opened the door for her and let her in first. She turned to me and said, “Oh thank you! That means you had to give up your spot in line to do that.” It wasn’t a big deal to me. I had the day off and didn’t have a single thing planned. After being in line for a few minutes, she turned to me with a smile and said, “I just facebooked about what you did for me.”

This experience was easily one of the top 8 greatest things to happen to me in a bagel shop. Granted I’ve only had maybe 3 memorable experiences in a bagel shop, it will forever be on the top 8.

Desert Island

Don’t be fooled by the name of the title. This isn’t like the game Desert Island where you list things you’d bring if you were stuck on an island. My version of Desert Island is an island where I can send certain types of people that I really don’t care for. People that cause me to hold my tongue when I see them. People that you and I really could not deal with on a daily basis and should not have to deal with on a daily basis.

First on this list is Denim to the Core person. Denim at one point was a fashionable piece of clothing. That point in time is long gone and so should you be. What were your sweats that don't quite reach your New Balance shoes in the laundry never to be touched? Yes we see you like denim. The matching jacket that’s probably covered in stench in order for you to make your statement to the world is nothing short of courageous. For this my friend, you’ve earned a one way ticket, dress anyway you like, in coach to my Desert Island.

Next on the list is Too Important to Hang Up the Phone person. We’ve all seen this person in the grocery store or any kind of store really. The conversation they’re having on their cell phone is WAY too important to put on hold until they’re out of the store or out of the checkout line. When you talk to the person on your cell phone while the poor checkout person is trying to help pass their terrible day by speaking to the customer, you’re far too busy talking to your best friend about your heavy flow, your wife’s bunions, last week’s episode of Cougar Town or how your child won’t stop screaming in the cart. I understand it’s nice to have somebody to talk to and tell these things to, but is there really no time in your day for 6 minutes of courtesy towards the cashier or the unsuspecting people who don’t want to hear your conversation? I extend to you a courtesy bump up ticket to first class to give the passengers in coach a break on your way to my Desert Island.

I didn’t realize I had so much to say about that person so I will leave the list at 2 for today and continue this segment another time here on (altogether now) DESERT ISLAND!

Toothpicks

I enjoy a good toothpick. I love picking food and plaque from my teeth. For whatever reason I like that before and after clean feeling. I used to steal toothpicks from Subway and stash them in an empty mint can. Being mint flavored toothpicks, I felt it appropriate to keep said toothpicks in my mint can. They’re individually wrapped and sterile for those worried that I drug them through a farm feeding trough.

The downside to toothpicks is they give me sores on my tongue which brings on a whole new set of problems. A few years ago, when I thought toothpicks made me look hard, I always kept three on my person at all time. One behind each ear, one in my mouth and occasionally one or two in my pocket. I needed to be ready to look tough at any moment. I was a trouble maker with all my TV watchin’, Rock Band Jammin’, and online video games trash talkin’. You never know when somebody is going track you down and just stare at you. When that happens, I’m ready.

The problem now is I don’t use or have toothpicks. When I have them, I don’t need them. I need them, I don’t have them. Mint flavored toothpicks make me gag now. Dead tree and mint just don’t do it for me anymore. Maybe it was a phase. Maybe toothpick quality has been declining in these dark economic times. CNN did say the toothpick and floss industries would be the first to feel the pain of this recession.

Procrastination

I will finish this one later...

Melissophobia

I have a very strange fear of bugs. Not all bugs, but bugs that fly toward me or near enough to me where I can hear them, but can’t see them. Anything really that makes quick movements or can disappear quickly. Among these bugs are Bees. I HATE bees. They scare the manhood out of me. Bees can take me from tough-looking (it’s all a show) to somebody amputees laugh at. I lock up. I can’t even play it cool or keep that fear hidden. I cower or freeze. Knowing full well that Bees don’t give a crap about me or what I’m doing I cannot keep it together. My mind is convinced that once that Bee/bug is headed in my direction my body is in grave danger.

When I was younger I used to be in charge of mowing and edging the lawn. We had a Trumpet Vine growing along the edge of the lawn. Those Trumpet Vines are the busy downtown metropolis for Bees. I can only imagine the countless entertaining mornings and afternoons my neighbors had watching me speed past the vine and occasionally sprint toward the house fearing for my life. While mowing the front lawn where the vine was, I would ask my mother to come out and watch me because I was convinced the bees could sense her and smell there was no fear there. I know they smell my fear. I know they flew as close as they could to freak me out and send me running.

Occasionally while using the weed whacker I would kill one of these tiny bullies. Another great sight for the neighbors was watching me swinging my only defense against bees through the air. I felt like the guy from Army of Darkness with his chainsaw hand fending for his life. Except my had an extension cord and only had the range of the front lawn. While killing a bee was a small victory for me, it only angered the colony that witnessed the miniscule amounts of blood on my hands. Assuming they have blood. For all I know, they’re soulless, murderous, 6 legged demons. And I hate them.